If Santa answered his mail honestly

Deer Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy
Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell, you little retard. Santa



Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? God damned hippies. You get a toy gun. Santa


Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan
Dear Susan, Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a real favor? Leave me a bottle of eighteen year old scotch and a seventeen year old girl. Santa


Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give up that piece of tight little Latino ass, just to come back to your frigid alcoholic mother? It's time to give up that dream, kid. Let me send you some Legos instead. Santa


Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis
Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're a little gay homo. I'll set you up with a Barbie, you fag. Santa


Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. But when I'm not defiling teenage runaways on film, I unwind by drinking myself silly, squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table, and doing enough pure Columbian blow to kill a rhinoceros. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa


Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do and let me know if you're ever in Vegas. But know that I'm skipping your house this year. Santa


Dear Santa, I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one? Love, Timmy
Dear Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. Man up, you little bitch. You're getting a sweater, again. Santa


Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home? Love, Marky
Dear Mark, First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex because that's all your crack-whore of a mother can afford. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams, Santa